How to Achieve Blondness (or, Your Hair is Beautiful)

Step 1: Realize that this is a war between you and the yucky brown color of your hair.*

I raised my head out of the sink and wrapped the old white towel around my wet, but strangely stiff hair. Not an unusual feeling for me; that's what post-bleach roots do, and I've been at this for 15 years. As I threw my head back, I saw my hairline in the mirror. "Damn it," I said. "Well, this is just awful. That's two hours wasted." My hairline was still brown, and the roots on the left side of my head were dark orange, the right side not much lighter.

I had forgotten that this was no diplomatic mission to my scalp, that no Geneva Convention stands between my mousy roots and my quest for a bright blonde mane. I had taken it easy on my head one too many times, and now I was getting walked all over like a cheap carpet.

*If your natural color is not brown, please take your high class problems elsewhere for guidance.

Step 2: Go to a beauty supply store.

Forget color kits with pretty blonde women on the box. That's just orange hair in a bottle for you and I. You need professional bleach and developer. And they don't sell that at Walgreen's. You know you're in the right place if they sell wigs, Paul Mitchell and hot combs. The one closest to me is a bit ghetto. Before I lived here, though, I used to have to go to Ricky's in Manhattan. It's a good store, but I really don't need to paw aside bachelorette party-quality dildos and temporary tattoos when I just need some peroxide. So, even though the tint brushes my local sells are on the chintzy side, it's all right for the basics.

Step 3: Go for maximum artillery.

I was lifting the color out of my roots, an on-scalp process. So, I bought BW2 Powder Bleach (for off-scalp use only) and Clairol Pure White 40 Volume Developer (also for off-scalp use only, and not recommended for use with BW2). I toyed with the idea of an extra lightening activator, but there is such a thing as overkill. And hair can burn off, after all.

Step 4: Treat yourself to the frills.

I usually use a crappy old towel to cover my shoulders and a plastic bowl I've been using for those 15 years to mix my bleach. I figured at 37 (almost 38!) years old, I deserved the same treatment I get at the salon. Minus the vacuous celebrity magazines, annoying music, and mindless small talk, of course. So I picked up a comb-out cape (a brief version of a full on salon cape), a graduated plastic mixing bowl with a handle, a pour spout and a rubberized base, as well as a few sectioning clips, a new tint brush (which I didn't use, too cheap), and shower caps (labeled as "processing caps"). Rubber gloves, you say? Girl, you know I got a whole BOX of them at home!

Step 5: Give yourself time.

It takes me about an hour to apply bleach to my roots. Mix the powder and developer until you have a loose paste that won't drip. I start at the center part, then go by half-inch sections out, painting the roots from the scalp out with the tint brush. It's like drawing a line from my hairline back over my head down to the nape of my neck. This exercise always reminds me that my head is not a perfect orb, and also makes me wish I had a bathroom with a mirror on the wall across from the medicine cabinet. It's tedious, but you cannot cut corners here. Nothing is worse than brown spots in the middle of an otherwise glowing yellow, baby-chick-colored head.

Then of course, you have to wait a little longer to get the desired lightening. Usually about 40-50 minutes. This time, however, because I had already done one failed process earlier in the day, I was a little bit more hurried. There was the burning, for one thing.

Step 6: Protect yourself.

You've declared war against your brunette nature, but must there be civilian casualties? Be smarter than I was yesterday. First, do not take such a radical approach less than a full day after an earlier process. You need to wait for the protective oils to reform on your scalp, neck and ears. If you can't wait (like, say, you have a playdate the next day and want to look good in front of the other moms, because really, who else do you have to look good for anymore?), at least rub some Desitin or Vaseline (or, if you have it, color block) on your hairline and ears. Start where you ended the last application (in my case, the left, orangey side), so your scalp is evenly assaulted, minimizing the risk of chemical burns on overexposed skin. And be fast.

I was rinsing my head minutes after I finished the hardcore bleach application last night, after a quick trip to put my head in front of the air conditioner. Thankfully, the burning meant it was working, because the last sections lifted quickly and completely. Use a mild shampoo to remove all the bleach from your hair, and finish with a cool rinse.

Step 7: Tone is everything.

Please do not stop at baby-chick yellow.* That's not blonde. You need a toner! That's where those little swatches of hair at the beauty supply store come in. Hopefully, you picked a color that compliments your skin tone. I like a cool tone, with a blue or violet base. Something called Arctic White or Champagne Lady. I usually pick a different one each time, because it gives some natural tones to the rest of my hair. There are also warm tones, with a red or gold base, called Honey or Wheat, for example.

This is a subtler process. Use a 20 volume developer. This will lift less, but deposit more color. Mix this in an applicator bottle, and apply to damp, towel-dried hair. I like to start at the center and draw those imaginary lines again, but just using the bottle's long nozzle end. Once I've striped up my head, I use my gloved hands to pull it through my hair, saturating every strand with toner. I have shorter hair, so I use half a bottle of toner, and I try to use all the mixture I have. It's imperative to get the roots first, then pull the color through to the ends to get the tone matched. If you're like me, you did a similar thing with the bleach (and you get a trim once in a while, ok?). This you can leave on for about 15 minutes, then rinse. DO NOT SHAMPOO. Use a good conditioner and leave it on for two to five minutes, then rinse, finishing with a cool rinse again.

*Unless you burned your head like me, then you can wait a day or so to tone. A lot of people won't realize your hair isn't the ideal shade of blonde, well, ever, but at least not right away. Then, when you tone it, you get a full new round of compliments!

Step 8: Enjoy... with a few caveats.

I find that when I have freshly blonde roots, I need to wear makeup more than usual, and whatever hairstyle was working with roots may not work for a while. It's like the hair shock you get right after a cut. Sleep on it for a day, BUT DO NOT WASH IT, and soon it will be just like it grew out of your head that way. Use a good shampoo for blonde hair like Clairol Shimmer Lights (but don't overdo it, or you'll get a purple tint that sounds cool, but really isn't), lay off the heat styling, and condition, condition, condition.

I'm coming from having very short hair, which I'm currently growing out. If you have long brown hair and want to go blonde, you may be better off going to a salon, or doing multiple processes using liquid lighteners (like Ultra Blue or 7th Stage) rather than powder bleach, which would be messy to paint on long hair. Bleaching virgin hair also requires you to start away from the roots first, then come back to them, because the heat from your head lightens the roots much faster. If you already have color in, use a color remover before starting to lighten. And so on. There is so much to know about hair color, and although I have been coloring my own hair for 25 years, I am not a professional hair stylist, but I know some stuff, so if you have any questions about what I have or haven't covered here, shoot!