How to Give Child-Rearing Advice

Don't.

Seriously, I know you want to. You see my baby in the grocery store with no socks on, and you can't bear to think of his precious-wecious little tootsies getting cold, or a brief glint of sun makes him squint his eyes and you feel compelled to warn me about the dangers of daylight on babies, but don't. Bite your tongue. Walk away. Get your own baby.

Or, say you have your own baby, and one of your baby's friends' mommies tells you about how she does something that you think is wrong, because you read in this one child-rearing book that it was bad, bad, bad, bad. Zip it. Feel free to formulate a really good argument as to what she should do differently, then keep it to yourself. If you must, tell your spouse/partner/cat/tolerant child-free friend after the baby is in bed. Don't tell the other mommies of your baby's friends. Don't tell other parents you know. Don't write about it on Facebook. If you do, the chances are you will run into a friend that does exactly the same thing, and you may start hearing less from them. And you can't afford to lose any friends! For goodness sake, they started dropping like flies once you stopped hanging out in bars, you want to risk offending the few that still take your calls?

I won't even be specific about all the things I've seen that make me clutch my pearls in horror, but I'm sure that I do my own share of shocking and appalling the mommy masses. To each his own. If I think you look a fool for dressing like a hood rat in the suburbs or sporting an ironic mustache (so 2001!), reading a Kindle or wearing flip-flops in the winter, I'll say it. But your baby, and the way you raise him or her, is perfect.* And that's all you'll hear me say. From now on.

*With the exceptions of violence, neglect and verbal abuse, of course. These happens all too often, are very serious and should be reported.