How to Put a Baby Down for a Nap

You're looking in the wrong place.

Don't look to the internet for solutions. And don't offer your specific advice on the internet. This is what happens: A desperate, harried, first-time mom is listening to her baby scream from the next room as she googles, "my eight-month old baby won't nap" and spends an hour clicking and scrolling through scads of contradictory, extremely specific advice, swimming in anecdotes, other desperate pleas for guidance, and testimonials for one or another baby expert's one-size-fits-all "sleep system," leaving her more confused and discouraged than ever. "I'm a terrible mom!" I -- I mean, she -- thinks. "What kind of mother can't get her baby to take a nap?" Now, multiply that one woman by a couple hundred thousand. Not a pretty picture!

Take a deep breath, and call your mother. Whatever she tells you, if it feels right, try it. If it doesn't feel right, do what I just started doing. My mother is no longer reachable by conventional methods, so I imagine what she might say. Her "answer" is actually what I feel in my gut, so I'm really just asking my own inner mom. And that's almost always the right answer.

If I have learned anything in the nine months I have been a mother (ha! veteran moms are holding their sides in from laughing at my naivete!), it's that babies are as different as adults. You don't see all adults going to bed and waking up at the same time, eating the same foods, working the same jobs. Babies have personality types, tastes, and idiosyncrasies just like their parents do, and you have to do what works for your baby.

"Gee, thanks," I can hear you say. "Not helpful! I have a screaming, sleepy baby here that won't take the nap that I know will make him feel better!" I know, it sucks, and I'm sorry. You can try every technique you read online or in a book, if that makes you feel better. But talking to just one or two other mothers (not every mommy you know or meet on the playground... we're trying to limit input here!), and talking to your inner mommy may be a little more peaceful. And if you are anything like me, a little peace is all you want right now.

Good luck out there.

How to Write English: Possessive Pronoun Edition

It's one thing to be able to speak English -- with all of its idioms, dialects, colloquialisms and the basic berserk grammar rules -- but quite another to write it. When speaking, we're firing on all cylinders, words flying out of our mouths before we have time to parse our grammar to gauge the effect they have. When writing, we have time to reflect, rewrite, and reconsider before someone else reads our words. Well, we used to. With the advent of e-mail, social media and texting (a word I'm still not too happy with), our writing is now as loosey-goosey as our speech was once allowed to be. The difference is that writing English has even more rules than simply speaking it, and they are glaringly obvious if neglected. You and I may be having a conversation, and you use the subjunctive incorrectly. Although I silently correct your "was" with a "were," I'll probably forget about it during the next exchange. However, if I see you use an apostrophe where no apostrophe ought to be, broadcast to the global community, and likely to remain so for years to come, I may cringe and think "Oh, I thought he was smarter than that."

Is it fair? Of course not! It's grammar. Grammar has never been fair. Neither was the fact that I had to wear discount store clothes as a child, but I got over it. Sort of. You will be judged for poor grammar, maybe not by the majority of your friends, but by the smarter ones. Do you really want that?

And let's not go crazy, here. (Look, I even started a sentence with "and." I recognize the validity of conversational tone in internet writing.) No one cares if you have every comma in place. Some people think that certain commas are optional, even. But make the effort. I probably can't help you if you insist on writing in all lowercase letters, abbreviate every other word, and never use any kind of punctuation, but if you're trying to have an adult conversation using the internet, these tips can help.* Today we will discuss:

It's/Its and Who's/Whose

"Its" is the possessive of the pronoun "it." "It's" is a contraction for "it is." "Whose" is the possessive of "who." "Who's" is a contraction for "who is."

To help you remember, if you are putting in an apostrophe for either "it" or "who," say the sentence (silently is best) with "it is" or "who is" in place of what you've written. If it fits, leave the apostrophe. If it sounds like a line from a Dadaist play, take it out.

It's no great sin to type "its" when you mean "it's." You were in a hurry, and that damn smartphone makes you press and hold to get the apostrophe. No time! Must post what I ate today and get back to Facebook-stalking my ex! But, typing the apostrophe when you don't need it? That ventures into a disinterest in homogenous language that makes the starch in my collar go limp.

In short, type smart, sound smart. Happy narcissistic ramblings to you all!

*Oh, I realize that every smarty-pants humorist and grim-faced grammarian has already posted something similar, but the disease is still out there, so I have no choice but to keep dosing.